It used to be said that if Bill Gates dropped $100 on the street, he wouldn’t stoop to pick it up because it wasn’t worth his time. This definitely-not-true fact is made all the more startling when you consider that, according to all the latest rich lists, poor Billy now no longer even makes it into the top five richest people on earth, having to settle for a paltry seventh place and a measly $111 billion to his name.

This pales in comparison to the lofty heights of Mr Bernard Arnault, whose $192 billion empire includes such luxury brands as Tiffany & Co., Moet & Chandon, Louis Vuitton and, most importantly, Ardbeg Whisky.

This all begs the question – if a relative pauper like Bill Gates wouldn’t concern himself with a measly $100, surely a true business magnate like Mr Arnault could send the good folks at TheWaterofLife a couple of bottles of a nice 18-year-old single malt?

Sadly, when I asked that very question at the Ardbeg distillery last month, they assumed I was joking.

I am, however, very grateful to the lovely people at Ardbeg for sending me away with three miniatures from their latest range to sample and review. I also couldn’t resist picking up a cheeky travel exclusive on the journey back home, meaning I can now pass my judgement on a whopping four bottles from the Islay distillery.

I’m sure Mr Arnauld is holding his breath. This review could really make or break him…

Heavy Vapours (Regular Strength)

ABV – 46%

Price – £120 (Master of Malt)

To start these reviews on an unnecessarily confusing note, two of these whiskies are called “Heavy Vapours”. Both are made by removing the purifier in the distilling process, allowing thicker, richer vapours to make it into the dram without falling back into the still to be reheated. They are, as the distillery would have you believe, “Ardbeg with the gloves off”.

Ardbeg have done this as both a cask strength and regular strength bottling, and I was fortunate enough to get a snifter of both.

Nose – I’m not sure how long this one has been matured for, but the predominant smell is one of new make spirit. The grape-y fruitiness reminds one more of grappa than whisky. There’s a bit of strawberry jam on toast to round off a sweet sniff. Oddly, for a product called ‘Heavy Vapours’, the smoke smoky vapours are…erm…very mild. Just there and no more.

Palate – It’s sharp, crisp and savoury. Like sourdough bread or ready salted crisps. Come to think of it, a lot of people call ready salted crisps ‘plain’, and I suppose that’s the most accurate word here as well.

Finish – Short, tangy and bitter. Burnt orange peel. The new make spirit flavour returns again, with an ethanol and slightly minty taste.

4/10

Heavy Vapours Committee Release (Cask Strength)

ABV – 50.2%

Price – £132 (whiskyinternationalonline.com)

If the first Heavy Vapours was ‘Ardbeg with the gloves off’, then what does that make the Cask Strength edition? ‘Ardbeg with a Knuckle Duster’, perhaps? Let’s see if the extra 4.2% ABV makes a substantial difference to taste…

Nose – This one is definitely sweeter. It’s reminiscent of vanilla Pepsi, and a bit of Appletiser. There’s definitely more smoke in this one, but it’s still not delivering on the ‘Heavy Vapours’ moniker.

Palate – Surprisingly different with the cask strength. It’s grassy and arable, like a perfectly ripe avocado. And a richness of stewed plum. The smoke is crisp, clean, and oaky.

Finish – This is where you see the family resemblance. The same short, tangy-ness. Slightly more biscuit notes in this one.

Fundamentally, this one is the better of the two, but not by a huge deal.

5.5/10

Ardcore

ABV – 46%

Price – £105 (Master of Malt)

It’s roasted black malts that differentiate this offering. The good people at Ardbeg tell us that this should ‘taste like biting on a spiky ball’ (and I thought I had cited some odd tasting notes). There’s no age statement, so there’s a strong suspicion that this one is a youngster.

Nose – NOW we have some stronger vapours. The issue is that they’re both good and bad. The predominant notes are sweet peat (lovely) and sharp alcohol fumes (less lovely). There’s a salty cleanness of a seaweed salad too.

Palate – The full spice cupboard is in this one! Star anise, pepper and chili powder especially. There’s a comforting taste of roast chicken (actually, more like roast chicken flavoured crisps) and a zesty squeeze of fresh orange.

Finish – A big hit of white chocolate. Sweet and well rounded. Sadly, it’s over just a little too quickly.

A perfectly enjoyable sip, but there’s a strong feeling that this one came out of the cask a little too soon. Perhaps Mr Arnaud is short on cash.

6/10

Smoketrails

After a week on Islay, I was beginning to feel a sensation that I hadn’t felt before. Almost as if (now bear with me on this one) I didn’t really fancy any more whisky.

However, on my penultimate night in Port Ellen, I spied something that was enough to put that nonsense to bed – a lesser-spotted cask finish. ‘Manzanilla’ is a similar product to fino sherry – a pale, dry fortified wine produced exclusively in the bodegas of Sancular, Cadiz. Ardbeg have managed to snap up a few barrels and have put them to use to create ‘Smoketrails’.

My happiness was compounded when I spotted it on the duty-free shelves on my way back home, so naturally a bottle now occupies a spot in my liquor cabinet.

ABV – 46%

Price – £75 (That’s for a full litre mind you, and only if you’re willing to travel to your local duty-free shop)

Nose – Rhubarb crumble, thick whipped cream, and hints of green tea. Sweet smoke – the smokiest of the four. It’s the smoke of a marshmallow toasted over a campfire, and it’s very nice indeed.

Palate – Brazil nuts, macadamias and toffee make for a tasty sip. Sultanas too, which reminds you that this is a sherry cask after all. Without the generous amount of smoke, you’d be forgiven for assuming this was a Speyside.

Finish – All flavours are enhanced by a pleasing and heavy waft of sea spray. There’s also dark chilli chocolate which gives just a sophisticated hint of bitterness and a tingly spiciness.

I knew I liked this one. I’m so glad I picked it up at the Duty Free, and even more glad that it comes in the big sized bottles. I don’t know if it’s the rarity of Manzanilla, but this offers something I’ve not tasted before, and I’m very grateful for it.

7.5/10

Conclusion

There’s a couple of life lessons for all of us hidden somewhere in this review.

First off, the lowest priced bottle is the clear winner in this spirited game of Ardbeg Battle Royale (“spirited”. Get it? It’s a…never mind). Second place goes to the second cheapest. And to be clear, I’m not even factoring value for money into those scores. Smoketrails and Ardcore are objectively the better whiskies. Further proof (not making a pun) of what so many of us have known for so long, that in the whisky world price and quality so rarely correlate.

Second lesson: Beauty is only skin deep. Or, in the case of whisky, “label deep”. Every single one of these whiskies offers a very lovely bottle design – from the ‘Sex Pistols’ inspired font of Ardcore to the Japanese manga-esque illustrations of Heavy Vapours. Mr Arnaud’s deep pockets clearly buy some good marketing and brand designers. But if you want to spend £150+ on a pretty bottle, then what the hell are you doing reading this review?

Final lesson: you may have all the money in the world (and let’s be honest, Mr Arnault has a hefty percentage of it), but it don’t mean a thing if you ain’t good at malting. Of these four whiskies, the Smoketrails is the only one I’d go out of my way to buy again, and Mr Arnault is just going to have to suffer the financial burden that will inevitably create.